The Vita-Mix Probably Cures Cancer But May Also Kill You

I just finished eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. But this wasn’t an ordinary PBJ. The peanut butter was fresh. I made it myself and it was the best peanut butter I’ve ever had.

You’re definitely wondering where I found the time to crush up all those peanuts and where someone gets a good recipe for peanut butter. Okay, here’s what you need: peanuts and a Vita-Mix 5000.

I know what you’re thinking now. How do you turn hard crunchy peanuts into a spreadable creamy butter with a blender? Well, two things: (1) Please don’t say “blender,” and (2) I don’t know either. I have two theories though. One is that the Vita-Mix actually sucks healthy oils out of the air and churns them into the mix. The other is that the Vita-Mix’s blades spin so fast that they will turn anything into anything-butter. Anyone for a turkey sandwich with mustard and a little bit of titanium spread? Think of all the healthy minerals in that hoagie!

Now let me explain the complicated instructions. Pour the peanuts in the bulletproof polycarbonate container. Turn on the Vita-Mix. Walk away. Come back in three minutes. Use a spatula to scoop your fresh peanut butter out of the Vita-Mix. Now begin the long process of cleaning the Vita-Mix... Come On! Have you ever even used a Vita-Mix? It cleans itself! Actually, in this picture, it is cleaning itself! People think that babies are sooooo dang wonderful. Show me a baby that can turn a 2x4 to dust in seconds and then give itself a bath. Fill the Vita-Mix two-thirds full of water and put a couple drops of dish soap in it. Run it for a minute, empty and rinse.

To anyone who’s ever called the Vita-Mix “a four hundred dollar blender,” pshhhh! Please try any of this in a blender and let me know how it goes. When you call me, have your credit card handy because we’re gonna make a conference call to the Vita-Mix Corp in West Chester.

Now some people think that making your own peanut butter is a no-brainer. No additives or preservatives, better taste, add thirty years to your life, blah, blah, blah. But there is risk involved with everything. Every time I get those stainless steel blades moving at a two hundred and twenty miles per hour, I wonder if this will be the day it happens. Eventually those razor-sharp stainless steel blades that never need to be sharpened are going to catch an atom just right. In the off-chances the bulletproof container cannot contain the atomic explosion, and my very healthy body which the Vita-Mix has created cannot fight the radiation, I will die. But life’s a gamble.

If I don’t make it, I want you to have my Vita-Mix. Its 7-Year warranty covers the container of course. All I ask is that you pour a delicious fresh fruit smoothie over my grave each summer.